12/03/2016 at 02:00PM
Everyone has always known that Boulder is a huge Race-ist kennel! I mean it’s Boulder after all! These half-minds probably plan their hash dates to fit tidily between their juice-cleanses and reiki treatments. They generally can only justify hashing as “it’s actually a really great interval workout when you think about it.”
But yet! Year after year they disappoint us by stubbornly refusing to lay long trails with no beer checks. They never really try to snare the Hare! Hell, you can’t drag their lazy asses away from a bag of Franzia to start running again.
Well, Boulder will hide their true colors no more! In that grand ‘Merican tradition known as confirmation bias, Boulder will stage the first anal Beerienteering R*ce!
Here’s the deal. It’s like a beer mile but with getting lost:
1) all participants will stretch, warm up, and eat a gluten-free orgasmic energy GU.
2) everyone receives a map with 3 or 4 locations marking hidden beer stashes.
3) everyone gets on their knees as Brrgggghhhh sings the national anthem
4) everyone must chug a beer before finding their way to the first location however they choose. When they get there, chug a beer before leaving for the next location. Place the empties in your sack! You can only complete the r*ce if you return to the start with 4 empties!
5) if a hobo has found one of the beer stashes you must either fight or outwit said hobo (see Weird-Ball for advice)
69) race back to the start with all your empties to receive your participation trophy! Now with no sharp edges!
Bring a sack and virgins. The more race-ist your virgin the better.
A – A